Aren’t U 486?: Or What To Expect When You’re Expecting Zombies

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Rick Grimes, why are you actually the worst person on the Earth? I think zombies eat more brains than you even have. Do you breathe air or do you just subsist on a molecular diet of stupid? Because, I don’t even know anymore.

If Carl Grimes dies because he walks off a cliff claiming to have never seen the fall coming, I wouldn’t even blame him, because at least he got his stupid honest.

Anyone who has been keeping up with AMC’s hit series The Walking Dead will tell you that essentially it is about a group of Snorks who arrive on land only to be caught in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse. Or maybe that’s not what it’s about. It doesn’t matter because I’m pretty sure sea monkeys in a bottle of water are smarter than most of the people on this show.

We are 6 episodes into the 3rd season and in the most recent episode (which I like to call “Annie Get Your Gun”, and I’m sure production likes to call something else) our two leads find out that they’re in for a little bundle of shitting, screaming liability. As you can expect, they totally can not deal. 

Quick recap: Officer Rick Grimes is injured and in a coma at the time of Z-day, his wife, 10 year old son, and best friend (Shane, but you can call him The Situation) flee the disaster, leaving him hospitalized. Shane assumes he’s dead, he tells Lori (his ridiculous wife) and his son Carl the same. They have a shit fit, and somehow Shane convinces Lori that the only solution is his penis. But, TA-DA Rick is not dead, and blah blah blah they meet up and Rick’s penis is the new gospel and now Lori is up the stick and who is the dad? Do you think Maury Povich makes house calls?

What to do? What to do?

Keep going. Someone else’s kid is a total maroon and runs off so everyone goes out looking for her, and in the process Carl gets shot because he’s 10 years old and wears a cowboy hat, or something. He lives, but everyone is super tweaked out about it, not least of all his idiot parents.

But what about the baby?

What ABOUT the baby? Lori tries to keep it a secret for who knows how long (seriously, who knows because time on this show runs slower than a dinoflagellate on ice) and then decides maybe disaster motherhood isn’t really her bag, so she sends My Boyfriend Glenn to Duane Reade (or whatever they call it after the world ends) to pick up some Morning After Pills. FIRST MISTAKE, Lori, they are called “Morning After” pills not “who knows when I got pregnant” pills, so I don’t think they’re going to have the effect you want (remember friends: Plan B or “the morning after pill” is NOT an abortion pill and is NOT to be used if you have already confirmed and shown symptoms of pregnancy, like our buddy Lori, here*). But then, then Lori decided to waste my time by THROWING UP HER USELESS PILLS right after she takes them. Which, 1) they wouldn’t have done anything anyway and 2) thanks for wasting the pills that other people in the group could have used, LORI, thanks a billion.

Also she doesn’t know how to throw away empty pill packs so her husband, Idiot Rick finds them and has a pants shitting fit that culminates in them having a screaming match in the middle of a field because that is totally a good idea.

Anyhow, Rick goes on some tirade about “how dare you not have a baby in the middle of the zombie apocalypse without my permission, who do you think you are anyway” and I do believe he actually says (because Idiot Rick also thinks Plan-B is an abortion pill) “do you think this is a solution?!”

Um, yeah, Rick…don’t you?

Lori gives her completely legitimate reasons for not wanting to have a baby in the middle of The Goddamn Zombpocalypse, and is met with nothing but hoo-ha and then admits she threw up the fake abortion pills because she obviously exists on a higher moral plane than the rest of us. And she admits to having sex with The Situation when she thought Idiot Rick was dead, which everyone knew and no one was surprised by, not even Idiot Rick, not even Carl or the Maybe Baby either because they probably already know too.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: if you’re on the zombie trail, and you want to get some tail…wrap it up.

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