There’s an art to surviving in a horror film. It used to be as simple as “the virgin lives”, but the rules have changed with audience demands and production values. The goody-goody from next door doesn’t always get to make it to the end anymore, and having a savvy scream queen is the right way to go.
I’m a stickler for the policy that you shouldn’t ever go off by yourself, unless it’s the zombie apocalypse, so I’ve been thinking about what sort of friends I’d like by my side on a camping trip when we run out of gas, lose reception, and find out that the freaky guy who harassed us at the gas station has been stalking us the entire time. Just ’cause. So, without further ado, here is a list of ten women I’d want on my team if I was stuck in a horror movie:
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
She might not be the best team player, but look at those arms. Connor is trigger-happy, but her reflexes and “shoot first, ask questions later” attitude could be what keeps you from landing in a pickle in the first place. Plus, her life on the fringe means she’s equipped with handy knowledge you will definitely need, like Explosives 101, Lockpicking, and General Firearms.
It would be a really bad move not to include Vasquez on your team, because she handles machine guns, knows how to do pull ups, and she’d rather set everything on fire than be taken down. She can also be counted on for snappy commentary to keep the team going.
Smart, cool, and collected, Ripley’s also proven to be a quick study with weapons and getaway vehicles, when needed. You always need someone who has a healthy suspicion of potential dangers, keeps calm, and thinks on their feet – and that person is Ripley. Plus, she’s a natural leader.
The Walking Dead
Strong, silent, and deadly, it may take Michonne a while to warm up to you, but she wouldn’t steer you wrong and will speak up if she thinks something’s off. If you’re lucky enough to be her friend, Michonne will be forever loyal – she will come back to rescue you, even if the others won’t.
Resident Evil movies
Because Michelle Rodriguez (and all her characters) is a BAMF and she’s not afraid to take down whoever or whatever is in her way. And she has guns in both the literal and figurative sense.
O-REN ISHII / COTTON MOUTH
O-Ren Ishii murdered a crime boss by the age of 11, became the world’s greatest assassin by age 20, and took over the Tokyo Yakuza. This is someone you want with you when some chainsaw wielding murderer in an apron is chasing you, even if there’s a chance she might kill you herself.
VERNITA GREEN / COPPERHEAD
Vernita Green is the ultimate multi-tasker, ready to fight while also looking out for her loved ones. She’ll get into a knife fight AND remember to put some cereal on the table for an after-school snack, complete with your favorite spoon.
Her moral compass is dubious at best, but Juno doesn’t mess around when trying to make it to safety. Besides being an expert spelunker, her survival instincts are killer (har har), and if something is threatening her safety, she’s going to dispose of it with a pickaxe.
Kirsty Cotton is someone who made a deal with the devil and got away with it. It never hurts to have brains on your team, as it’s just as important as brawn and grit. You want someone who thinks on their feet and will be able to come up with a slick plan to help you make the getaway.
There have only been a handful of episodes of Sleepy Hollow, and Jenny Mills (or Miss Jenny) has only really featured in one, but she’s already flexing her “can-do” muscles. When the apocalypse comes, she’ll be prepared. A survivor through and through, Miss Jenny has plenty of “badass experience” on her ass-kicking resume, including taking down warlords in South Sudan, as well as weapons and demo training in Mexico. Plus, she can pump out a few chin-ups like it ain’t no thing.
Honorable Mentions: Serena Williams. Mostly because she has one of the fastest serve speeds (128.6 mph and second only to her sister, thank you very much), and she could probably put her power and arm to really good use when wielding a makeshift weapon.